Being sensitive to others’ wants and feelings, generously extending a helping hand, offering to put others’ needs before your own, and giving supportive advice and 
counsel are kind and noble. But, there’s a cost if you always say yes and put others first.
Do You Feel You Need to Say Yes?
Let’s take a closer look at what happens when you put yourself in second or even third place. Upon reflection, you may want to take action and change that compulsion to say yes.
The Need to Say Yes
Most people have difficulty saying no to someone or in some situations. This is problematic, no doubt.
However, it can even be debilitating. That’s if you feel you need to always say yes. No is not an option. Typically, saying yes all the time will not serve you well in that relationship or situation. Eventually, it’ll create problems for you and others.
And then there is the people pleaser. This person is more than just nice. She is not just someone who enjoys doing things for others. For this person, offering advice and counsel, being helpful, and putting others’ needs before her own is habitual and compulsive.
Pleasers’ behaviors are grounded in the past (usually childhood) and driven by an insatiable need for approval and validation of their self-worth (Psychology Today).
Fortunately, if you’re a people pleaser and you can concede there’s a problem. You can take steps to set boundaries, and say “no.” And, you take care of yourself. And, let’s be clear. By taking care of yourself, you will be helping others.
In What Ways Do You Always Say Yes?
On the surface, your accommodating behavior is praiseworthy. That’s because others really do like to get their way. But, what about you?
Do you think of helping yourself? Is your incessant agreeableness and helpfulness dragging you down or harming you in any way? Are your inner voices pleading with you to stop, say no, and take care of yourself?
Based on the literature (for example Legg and Mortin) and my experience as a coach, I’ve identified nine typical ways pleasers harm themselves. See which resonates with you.
- Agreeing when you disagree
- Offering assistance even when your gut says “no”
- Avoiding or backing down from disagreements and conflicts even when you know you’re right
- Apologizing and taking responsibility or blame even though deep down you know you didn’t do anything wrong
- Taking responsibility for other people’s moods and feelings
- Failing to ask for help even when you know you need it
- Modifying your behavior in accordance with whom you’re trying to please
- Not meeting your own needs because you keep saying “yes”
- Secretly seeking recognition for all that you do for others
How many of these behaviors ring true for you in your encounters with a specific person, in certain circumstances, or constantly with everyone and every situation?
The Consequences of You Always Saying Yes
By chronically agreeing, whether, in relationships or situations, your focus and reactions become externally entrained. You’re constantly in reaction mode and override your internal evaluation of events.
Focusing externally, you lose sight of your likes and dreams and supplant them with those of others.
In other words, you lose sight of yourself.
You help others get what they want instead of fulfilling your own wants. You rationalize your behavior as thoughtful and something any kind person would do.
When you continually act in ways for the benefit of others AND at the expense of what you want or need for yourself, your actions will ultimately leave you feeling burdened and stressed. Additionally, you might feel used and unappreciated for these things you do, especially, if your good deeds go unrecognized.
You might build resentment or become increasingly angry. This can be true even if you “truly” care and believe it’s the right thing to do.
Over time, you increasingly feel emotionally, mentally, or physically exhausted by other people’s real or imagined demands, lack of personal fulfillment, and the presence of resultant frustration.
The whole process relentlessly creates stress, overwhelm, burn-out, and perhaps depression. Even if you become aware of your need to let go of saying yes all the time, the pressure between needing to do for others and wanting for yourself can be paralyzing. You may feel there’s no way out.
What Can You Do About Your Need To Please
For some people, the compulsion to please becomes dysfunctional. In these cases, it’s best to seek treatment from a therapist. Still, coaches can help those with milder cases (see more on the choice of therapy or coaching).
Sustainable solutions are not solely rooted in imposing restrictions on yourself or your behavior such as “just say no” or “just stop apologizing.” Some form of a mental and/or emotional shift is required as well.
Behavior change can be challenging in the best of circumstances and typically unfolds through a process. Take steps as large or small as you want or need.
Consider adopting some of the techniques presented in my “How to Overcome the Need to Yes.”
Practice, compassionate reflection, forgiveness, and acknowledgment of your successes and progress are key to the process of change. If you feel overwhelmed, stuck, or confused about how to start the process, seek help.
For More On When You Always Have to Say Yes?
- Download my FREE guided meditations:
- Explore related mind-body-spirit blog posts in particular:
For Help With the Need To Say Yes
- Sign up for virtual or in-person Spiritual Life Coaching and/or Energy Healing
