What’s A People Pleaser
A people pleaser is more than just a nice person who enjoys doing things for others. For pleasers, giving advice and counsel, being helpful, and offering to put others’ needs before 
their own is habitual. Their behaviors are grounded in the past (usually childhood) and driven by an insatiable need for approval and validation of their own self-worth (Psychology Today). Here lies the downside of being a people pleaser. Fortunately, if you can concede there’s a problem, you can take steps to set boundaries, say “no,” and take care of yourself.
When Pleasing People Is Hurtful And Why
9 Ways Being A People Pleaser May Not Be Working For You
On the surface, your considerate and amicable behaviors are praiseworthy. In truth, you help a lot of people. But, what about yourself? Do the inner voices within you agree?
Based on the literature (for example Legg and Mortin) and my experience as a coach, I’ve identified nine typical ways a pleaser actually harms herself. See which of these resonate with you.
- Taking responsibility for other people’s moods and feelings
- Offering assistance even when your gut says “no”
- Agreeing when you actually disagree
- Failing to ask for help even when you know you need it
- Apologizing and taking responsibility or blame even though deep down you know you didn’t do anything wrong
- Avoiding or backing down from disagreements and conflicts even when you know you’re right
- Modifying your behavior in accordance with whom you’re trying to please
- Not meeting your own needs because you keep saying “yes”
- Secretly seeking recognition for all that you do for others
What Happens As A Result Of These People-Pleasing Behaviors
Because you act in these ways for the benefit of others and at the expense of what you want or need for yourself, your actions logically leave you feeling used and unappreciated for these things you do. Especially, if your deeds go unrecognized.
As a consequence of chronic people-pleasing, you eventually lose sight of your own likes and dreams and supplant them with others’ or ways to help others get what they want instead. You rationalize your behavior as thoughtful and something any kind person would do. Ultimately, this can create resentment.
Over time, you increasingly feel emotionally, mentally, or physically exhausted by other people’s real or imagined demands and lack of personal fulfillment and resultant frustration.
This whole process creates stress, overwhelm, burn-out, and perhaps depression. Even as you become cognizant of the need to let go of pleasing, the pressure between needing to do for others and wanting for yourself can become paralyzing. You may feel there’s no way out.
What Can You Do About Your Need To Please
For some people, the compulsion to please is considered dysfunctional or rooted in trauma. In these cases, it’s best to seek treatment from a therapist. However, coaches with the right tools and even self-care can help those with milder forms of people-pleasing (see more on the choice of therapy or coaching).
Sustainable solutions are not solely rooted in imposing restrictions on yourself or your behavior such as “just say no” or “just stop apologizing.” Some form of a mental and/or emotional shift is required as well.
Behavior change can be challenging in the best of circumstances. And, even more so if the beliefs that created the behavior in the first place aren’t addressed. Here, the pleaser must push against some deeply-rooted social norms like “be kind to others.” To effect her desired change, she must supplant these apparent socially desirable behaviors with seemingly selfish acts. This isn’t easy and requires a lot of self-compassion and determination.
Loosening the people-pleasing strings that bind you is a process. Take steps as large or small as you want or need. Practice, compassionate reflection, forgiveness, and acknowledgment of your successes and progress are key to the process of change.
1. Challenge and Release Limiting Beliefs
Challenging and releasing limiting beliefs is fundamental. It’s important for you to note, challenge, and change judgments, criticisms, and “should” statements that encourage you to act against your self-interest. Identifying the evidence that supports alternative truths is key to creating a mental or emotional shift.
At first, you may feel that you need assistance with this process, but this is something you can do yourself. Register for one of my virtual or in-person Releasing Limiting Beliefs workshops and see how it works and how you can master the technique with just a bit of practice.
2. Check Within Yourself If Pleasing Is Right Response For You Right Now
Intuning with what’s going on inside of your body can yield valuable insights. Integrating this embodied information with your thinking analytical mind enables you to make more authentic and better-informed decisions. As a consequence, you gain clarity on what you really want. And, you’re able to take actions that are more aligned with your self-interest and authentic self.
If inner relating is new to you, try my short Getting In Touch With The Inside Best-Guided Meditation. Or, register for one of my virtual or in-person Living From the Inside Out workshops and learn how to tap into your embodied knowing of what behavior choices are right for you.
3. Regularly Set Your Boundaries and Ground Yourself
People pleasers tend to have weak boundaries. That is to say, they’re wide open to the influences of those whom they wish to please. If your attention is always on what’s going on outside yourself, you’re apt to be constantly shifting apparent priorities and associated behaviors.
A quick internet search will yield plenty of breathwork options. Or, use my short Free best-guided meditation Relax, Ground, Center, and Clear the Mind.
Another way to support strong boundaries is to diffuse essential oils or use a personalized aromatherapy inhaler. Use Vetiver (Vetiver zizaniodes). It’s the best essential oil to ground and center.
4. Change “Yes” To A “Conditional Yes.”
Much of the people pleasers’ behavior is impulsive and automatic. To break the spell of pleasing, give yourself space to assess your true feelings instead of saying yes outright. For example, tell others you need to check your to-do list or your calendar. Make “let me get back to you” your new mantra. This is a conditional yes.
In this gap, you can also quickly check within and let your embodied sense guide you. Does this behavior or choice that you’re considering feel expansive or constrained?
If you still want to help, consider offering an exchange: I’ll do this if you can assist with that. Or, suggest a timeframe and deadline that feels more spacious and acceptable to you.
5. Step By Step, Practice Saying “no.”
Say no to one small thing each day. If that’s too much start with once per week. Once you begin to feel comfortable saying no to little things, up the ante and say no to something bigger. You can start by imposing the constraint on people who are less significant to you or who you are less obligated to please.
Taking small steps sometimes helps you meet your goal faster than taking a step too big and falling back into old patterns. Slow steady progress can amount to significant lasting progress.
In summary, many people-pleasers derive benefits other than pure altruism from pleasing other people. Some typical rewards include validation, appreciation, and a sense of safety. Engaging in this behavior can soothe a wounded child part. But, most people pay a high cost for habitual pleasing.
If this information rings true of you and you want to make a change, try these five practices, or seek help from a coach or therapist.
Interested In Assistance For Your People Pleaser Behavior, See:
- Register for one of my virtual or personal growth, energy healing, and wellness workshops. Especially relevant workshops include:
- Consider virtual or in-person Spiritual Life Coaching or Energy Healing sessions
