Most people have trouble saying no to at least one person in their lives. 
And, then there are people pleasers who feel a need to please and say yes to too many people too often. They even step in when to offer help, often without invitation. Whoever you are, this post is for you whenever you want to say no, but don’t. It offers simple but effective advice on how to overcome your need to say yes.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be a nice person. But, for some people, the inability to say no controls their choices and experiences in some or even all areas of their lives. Here lies the downside of being a “nice” person. (See my post The Downside of Being a People Pleaser, What Happens What You Always Have to Say Yes, and (Psychology Today)
Your need to please may be considered dysfunctional behavior or rooted in trauma. In this case, the best approach is to seek help from a therapist. However, coaches with the right tools and even good knowledge of self-care can help with milder forms of people-pleasing or if you’re simply having trouble saying no in a certain situation. (See more on the choice between therapy or coaching.)
Way To Overcome Your Need to Say Yes
Behavior change can be challenging. If beliefs underlying the behavior don’t change, it’s hard to imagine the behavior will. To be able to say no, you must first release the thoughts and beliefs that are causing resistance. This isn’t always easy and can require much self-compassion and determination.
If you’re a people-pleaser or you sense deep-seated resistance, take steps just as large or small as you can. Practice, persistence, compassionate reflection, forgiveness, and acknowledging your successes and progress are key to the process of change.
Release Limiting Beliefs Around The Need To Say Yes
Challenging and releasing limiting beliefs is fundamental for change, and especially sustainable change.
Notice judgments, criticisms, and “should” statements associated with the relationship or situation. All of these clues reveal one or more limiting beliefs. It’s important to recognize that all beliefs that hold you back from what you want or need, are limiting. They often reveal important constraints or limitations in your outlook or mindset overall.
Once you’ve identified a limiting belief, challenge it. The step in doing this is to restate the belief in a different way. For example, take the opposite. If the thought is “John can’t do this by himself,” consider that thought “John can do this by himself.” Find the evidence that supports this new alternative truth. Evidence is key to creating a mental or emotional shift. Try another variation of that thought, and so on.
At first, you may feel that you need assistance with this process, but this is something you can do yourself with practice. Register for one of my virtual or in-person Releasing Limiting Beliefs workshops and see how it works. You can master the technique with just a bit of guidance and practice.
Check Inside Yourself For What You Really Want
Sometimes we take actions without much reflection. Most of the time we ignore the sense of the choices we make. These senses are embodied or body-mind communication and wisdom. Thus, tuning into what’s going on inside the body can yield valuable insights.
So, check inside yourself. Integrate embodied information you pick up with your thinking analytical mind to enable you to make more authentic and better-informed decisions. As a consequence, you gain clarity on what you really want. And, you’re able to take actions that are more aligned with your self-interest and authentic self.
If inner relating is new to you, try my short Getting In Touch With The Inside Best-Guided Meditation. Or, register for one of my virtual or in-person Living From the Inside Out workshops and learn how to tap into your embodied knowing of what behavior choices are right for you.
Set And Maintain Your Boundaries
With some people and in certain circumstances it can be tough to maintain your boundaries. You feel drawn to external stimuli and other people. Unfortunately, this takes your attention away from yourself and how you feel. You may not even realize it.
To be in tune with yourself, you want to mentally, emotionally, and energetically set your boundaries and fire them up throughout the day.
Ground Yourself
People pleasers, in particular, have weak boundaries. That is to say, they’re wide open to the influences of those whom they wish to please. If your attention is always on what’s going on outside yourself, you’re apt to be constantly shifting apparent priorities and behaviors.
A quick internet search will yield plenty of breathwork options to ground yourself. Or, use my short Free best-guided meditation Relax, Ground, Center, and Clear the Mind.
Another way to support ground yourself is to diffuse essential oils or use a personalized aromatherapy inhaler. Use Vetiver (Vetiver zizaniodes). It’s the best essential oil for grounding and centering (see my post on aromatherapy and essential oils for grounding).
Change “Yes” To A “Conditional Yes.”
Much of the people pleasers’ behavior is impulsive and automatic. Even if you’re not a pleaser, but hooked on gratifying some specific person, responding affirmatively is typically automatic.
To break the spell, give yourself space to pause, reflect, and assess your true feelings instead of saying yes outright. For example, tell others you need to check your to-do list or think it over. Use the phrase “let me get back to you.” These actions constitute a conditional yes.
In this gap, you can also quickly check within and let your embodied sense guide you using the previous technique. Does this behavior or choice that you’re considering feel expansive or constrained?
Practice Saying “No” One Step At A Time
Depending on how strong the resistance is, you may want to start by saying no to one small thing each day. If that’s too much start with one per week. Once you begin to feel comfortable saying no to little things, up the ante and say no to something bigger. Slow steady progress can amount to significant lasting progress.
If this information rings true of you and you want to make a change, try these techniques. Practice them. Or, seek help from a coach or therapist.
Need Support On How to Overcome Your Need to Say Yes?
- Register for virtual or personal growth, energy healing, and wellness workshops. Those especially relevant include:
- Download my FREE guided meditations:
- Sign up for virtual or in-person Spiritual Life Coaching sessions
